he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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