I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
