6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
