I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
