i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
false alarm. still invincible.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
