When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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