i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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