I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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