my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
