I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
