I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
