I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
