Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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