mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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