You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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