Can Purell be used as lube?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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