I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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