i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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