Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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