the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Are we still banned from the library?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize