there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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