DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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