i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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