some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
