so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
