Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
