I have demons in me.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
