just tell him i said nine months
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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