I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
