WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize