just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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