maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
