mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
