I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
