im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
