I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
