I can tuck mytits in my pants
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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