Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize