y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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