Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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