you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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