don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
