My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
