Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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