he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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