I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize