i just google imaged poop.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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