I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
