I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
