he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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