someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
