You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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