Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
