you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
