I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
