he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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