My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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