u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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