All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
