You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
