smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize