I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
