I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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