Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Every concussion has its silver lining
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
