I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
