I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
