Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
